April 10, 2009

For some reason, my mind goes back to when Hunmi first left me here to teach on my own several years back.  She used to teach with me, as some of my students know.  When she left, I my head was swimming in the prospects of being left alone in this.  I remember the anxiety, being unsure, sweating in worry, loneliness, and excitement all in one, and a few other emotions to boot.  Since then, I haven't truly come into my own.  Yes, I've moved twice and am thinking about moving again, but it's truly not my own place.  I still have Hunmi's old teaching materials kicking around, things that have just been pushed aside for later.  She has been back again since then and had opened a school of her own, closed it, and left me with all the stuff.  More materials, tables, chairs, wall clocks (I have five of them now), and piles of food that will take me forever to get through.

I feel lost here.  I feel like this is not the engine I built.  I feel I'm still riding on the coat tailes of Hunmi.  90% of what I have here has been morphed into my own thing, but 90% of it is based on the basic principles of her style of teaching.

I still have her sheets, blankets, dishes, clothes she picked out for me, even face cream and toothbrushes.  I feel soooo uneasy about it all.  Sometimes I don't care, but at other times (such as now) I feel very self-conscious of it.