November 9, 2013

tough week
Some weeks are tougher than others.  Last week was tough.  I still, after being out for more than 2 years, get feelings and thoughts of paranoia, thinking that everyone is trying to trick me.  The mere mention of a 'child' at work, and my face turns red, thinking that someone is trying to catch me at something.  Not a normal thing.  I wonder if this will ever go away.  Probably if / when I blow up someday and say, "Fuck off!  I'm not guilty, and I never was!" it'll go away.  "Stop being a fucking moron!"  But I say that at work and I'm done.  Of course, nobody thinks that way.  No one is trying to trick me, steal from me, take my life, punish me for anything - just paranoia gets the better of me.

So why, if I am not guilty of anything, does my face turn red, you may ask.  The answer is simple for anyone who truly knows me but not, I suppose, for those who don't.  I am and have always been hyper-concerned with everyone's opinion of me.  Truth doesn't seem to matter in this day and age anymore - not that it ever did, I guess - but opinions of those around me do.  Get it?  The obvious fact that I never did anything doesn't matter - what matters is that everyone thinks I did.

"You only have to worry about what you believe," some would say.  "Bull-shit," I say.  "You've obviously never grown up and had to face friends' and family members' opinions of you, you arrogant, assuming little shit."  You cannot say what you would do until you've been put in that situation.  I challenge you to prove otherwise.  ...  And, by the way, fuck off and get the hell out of my life.

I write this as an aside from my regular Ongoing Letter.  I'll go back to writing it now.